This post is very difficult for me to write. Not because it I am opening up my veins for you all to see, but because I seem to have lost the ability to function like a normal human being.
It has been weeks, maybe even months, since I was last able to properly focus on anything. As I write this, I have been living at home for two weeks, and I have spent my days doing precisely nothing. I cannot read for the life of me. I cannot even write, so as I’m trying to put this together, my brain is completely scrambled and can’t even concentrate on what I’m trying to say. When I try to pick up my knitting, I knit one row and then can’t seem to bring myself to do any more than that. I have tried watching films, but I find myself staring blankly at the screen with no idea what’s going on. The sound of music is incredibly frustrating to me lately, and I just want it to stop as soon as I start playing it; I can’t even hear the words over my head shouting. As a result, I have spent my days staring at the ceiling in silence, or lying face down in bed, and just waiting for it to be time to go to sleep again. I find myself staring into the fridge for a good ten minutes because I can’t make sense of what I’m seeing or decide if there’s anything in there that I can eat. It’s like when you’re trying to take a picture of something and your camera just won’t focus, no matter how hard you try. My head is just that blurry and fuzzy, like I’m looking at the world through frosted glass. I can’t even tell you how much of a failure it makes me feel.
All I want is to be able to get on with doing something. I want to be able to keep busy, but I can’t. I have nowhere to go and no friends to see. It’s lonely and it’s infuriating.
I can feel myself falling further and further behind with my uni work, and it’s making me incredibly stressed, but I simply cannot focus on a single thing. For someone who tends to thrive when I’m keeping busy, this is beyond agitating. I have so many things that I want to write about, with a list of ideas as long as my arm, but every time I sit down to write I find myself completely jumbled and lost for words. I feel like I’m living down a well, lost and stuck in the dark, so far away from everybody else on the surface.
Honestly, I’m not even sure that any of this makes sense. I have tried reading back over it, but I can’t even concentrate on that enough to know if I see any mistakes, so I apologise for how much of a mess this is. Please be patient with me.